I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your help, prayers and support during the time it took me to complete my Bachelor of Science in Business Management.  The amount of time, sweat and tears that went into my course load is unbelievable, and honestly if I was unable to count on my network of supporters I don’t really know if I would have survived it.

I want to let you know that I will be walking across the stage on September 26^th and, even though I don’t have enough tickets for everyone who has been an influence, a push, a supporter, a prayer warrior, happy face, wake up call, talked me off the ledge, lent me a computer, brain, idea, been a sounding board or an ear to my venting, yelling (quitting) I want you to know that this moment would not be possible if it wasn’t for you.

The last two years have been especially tough, but I have learned something truly unexpected…taking the time to chill with friends gives me energy to do anything I have to do.  I consider you guys part of my support, and some of you will never know exactly what your friendships (even the newly formed ones) have done as far as rejuvenating my spirits when I was at my weakest. 

 During the last couple of years, I:

-        moved back home (Thank You Mami-for always being home to me!);

-        completed a divorce (Thank You Luis-for letting me emote all over you!);

-        started two new jobs (Maritza, Tina, April Wow!!!  Thank you!);

-        learned that it is really okay to cry from a broken heart, and thanks to Jackie, I learned that a real friend will hold your hand when you feel least worthy (Thank you);

-        and that love, romantic & sweet can happen again at any age (Mami) or when you least expect it (Margaret)!!!;

-        learned that new friends can make you laugh for new reasons (“Crippy popcorn!!!” – Nena);

-        learned that friends can be there for each other without even needing to be in the same state (Stacy, Shelley and the love of my life-Jamia);

-        I have lost a grandmother to cancer and learned that God is everywhere and sees everything.  And it doesn’t matter if I go to Catholic Mass, Temple or a UCC/Baptist Church!!!;

-        God is where I am (even in a jazz club!!);

-        I have finally made a connection, a real connection with my siblings (we share a dad, but I love you for you!!) Luis, Christian, Raul, Myrna and Yashira!!!  Los Quiero Muchas Veses, y de Gratis!!!;

-        I have learned to see the happy in a story told by a friend (Thank you Trish for saving stories up for my commute back to Hartford from Norwalk (I couldn’t have done it without you!!) and to create new ones;

-        I have learned to forgive (not everything but a lot) and forget…and most importantly accept (I can’t do everything or be everywhere); 

-        My family has expanded (Anthony, Maida and the rest of the Gonzalez’s);

-        God has blessed me especially!!  (Mary, Vanessa, Helen, Janette, Joanna).

THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU!!

Instead of farting,  instead of waiting for praise and adulation from another, instead of waiting silently by as noone notices, learn!

TOOT-TOOT!!

okay, so the question arises…how do I expect to be treated? my answer, response, free of tepridation or degregation, five sillables.  simple. treat-de-ser-ving-ly!

I wish to be thought of as a person who is able to give and get pleasure.  A treat of sorts: as in, to provide somebody with something pleasurable: to give somebody or yourself something enjoyable: worthy of being thought of and delt with with in a particular way…different (a treat).

But.  And this is the hard part.  At times. Sometimes…In a particular way.  DESERVINGLY.  I aim, I aspire to be more than the rest, better than the best, an improvement.  A woman worthy of merit. Worthy of praise, a woman, ”worth considering”…having worth or merit or value; being honorable or admirable; “a worthy fella”

-transitive verb

regard somebody in particular way: to behave toward or think of somebody or something in a particular way

pay for somebody: to pay for food, drink, entertainment, or gifts for somebody

provide somebody with something pleasurable: to give somebody or yourself something enjoyable

deal with something in particular way: to present or handle a subject, especially in art or literature, in a particular way

-verb (used with object)  

to act or behave toward (a person) in some specified way: to treat someone with respect.

to consider or regard in a specified way, and deal with accordingly: to treat a matter as unimportant.

to deal with (a disease, patient, etc.) in order to relieve or cure.

to deal with in speech or writing; discuss.

to entertain; give hospitality to: He treats diplomats in the lavish surroundings of his country estate.

to provide food, entertainment, gifts, etc., at one’s own expense: Let me treat you to dinner.

–verb (used without object)

to deal with a subject in speech or writing; discourse: a work that treats of the caste system in India.

to give, or bear the expense of, a treat: Is it my turn to treat?

to carry on negotiations with a view to a settlement; discuss terms of settlement; negotiate.

–noun

entertainment, food, drink, etc., given by way of compliment or as an expression of friendly regard.

anything that affords particular pleasure or enjoyment.

the act of treating.

one’s turn to treat.

adj. Worthy, as of reward, praise, or aid.

n. Merit; worthiness

Adj.

1.

deserving – worthy of being treated in a particular way; “an idea worth considering”; “the deserving poor” (often used ironically) worth irony – a trope that involves incongruity between what is expected and what occurs worthy – having worth or merit or value; being honorable or admirable; “a worthy fellow”; “a worthy cause

So liking a person wont heal them.  Wouldn’t that be an awesome have happence?  I like you, so all your past pains hurts struggles gone

instead, liking a person means deciding: can their past be a part of my future? will their past be a negative, a deterent on my present? can their past be worth the changes that will become a new me?

So, the UCC has determined that their logo is the comma. Yeah, you got it. A comma. Pretty simple as far as I am concerned. Their slogan is also simplistic in nature. God is still speaking. At first I was unimpressed. Until, until, until…

I woke up and really thought about it. Not it. But the great big IT! And I read their slogan once more, God is still speaking,
And I thought about the Bible, and I realized, GOD is still speaking,
And I thought about Revelations, that great big book, that scary book, that book I am intimidated to read and I thought, GOD IS STILL SPEAKING,

And then, I did it, no not IT!! I did it, I looked it up. I went on line and Googled [,]. And this is my very simplistic defenition based on research, prayer and thought.

This is not the end, it is a grammatical change in structure (ie. a comma).

Beautiful! He was birthed of a virtous woman, He lived with men deserving and not so much so, He died for our sins, He resurected to show me the way to everlasting love, He is alive, and He is still speaking,

Okay, here goes.  People, myself included have no clue about how a person really feels.  How they feel deep down low.  On the inside.  In their insides.  In their soul.

What love leftover feels like as it sits and simmers and lays.  Flat.  In your belly.  In your stomach.  In your heart.

People will never really get it.  It.  That thing that gets you up late at night with sweats that are undetermined.  Impossible to explain.  Can’t be taken away.  Terrors that leave you confused.  As you realize even the person who you share that love with may never know.

Not in life.  Maybe in death.  If lucky, finally in death it will be picture perfect and finally understood.  My love for you feels like that.  Confused, confusing.  Real, really.  True and just for you.

“Symphonic Overload”

30 Apr 09

 

Why did the mice follow a fiddler?

 

Pipe in hand. 

Sound in hand.

Music. Sound. Pipe!

 

Is it? 

Worth while to follow fiddlers pipe?

Unsure where sound leads!?

 

Fiddle in hand.

Pipe in hand.

Fiddle. Sound. Pipe. Death!

 

Symphonic overload:

All they heard. Overwhelmed;

By fiddlers pipe.

 

Music flowed;

Sound erupted;

Rapture came.

 

Overwhelmingly smooth.

Some, sound convinced,

reach their death

 

Not grudgingly:

Willingly. Overwhelmingly. 

Overloaded. Overwhelmed!

 

Sounds requiring words. NOT!

Pen to paper. Ink to skin. WOW!

Tattooed on skin. Marked!

 

Different for life.

The melody, Loud!

Sounds. Overwhelm me. Change me. Differ.

 

Requiring lyrics.

Do you realize that everything that happens in the present is affected by your past?  I’ve been thinking about my choices, particularly the men I choose to spend time with.  This is what I’ve come to realize.

Pariguallos!  About all of them.  They have a lot of common ground.  I run things.  They let me.  I am stronger.  They let me prey on their weakness. I am quick to run away if I even feel a hint of an emotional attachment!  I get to sit back and watch the confusion on their faces. I do ANYTHING I have to do to get away cleanly!  

I have lied and pretended to have real feelings for guys who are scared of commitment (I was bored and didn’t know how to tell him).  I have pretended true attraction, bordering on physical infatuation for a guy who declared celibacy (Sorry, you were right, I was really with my ex).  I have been totally honest to a guy who couldn’t handle it (yeah I REALLY didn’t want to be with him).    I’ve gotten tired of stalkers and crazies so I’ve even gotten good at seeing the signs and making them feel they walked away

It’s funny that the mere mention of true commitment: implied, exagerated or confused can push me over the edge.  A friend says that I am a habitual run away.  I run and I hide as soon as I can!  I realized why.  I am still in the grieving stage…

Crazy thing is, it’s not the failed marriage with the cheating husband that I am grieving (1998-2006).  It’s not the long term boyfriend that came before him that I am grieving (1994-1996).  I am still in the healing process from an abusive relationship that happened way back when (1994).  

That pain, that grief, that feeling still makes me cold.  Still makes me run away.  Still makes me hide in my room.  Still makes distances skewed.  Still makes forests, woods, parks a place of fear.  Heart palpitating. Nerves jiggling.  Teeth chattering. Earth standing still.  FEAR!